Until just beyond the first half of the twentieth century divorce was generally understood to be a desperate and undesirable way of dealing with a marriage in trouble. Among Christians, who for the most part saw the Bible as God's Word, divorce was simply wrong. It was the wrong way to deal with conflict between husband and wife because God tells us so in His Word.

Nowadays we have what once would have been considered an unbelievable situation. Divorce is not only allowed, it's actually acceptable, and often even encouraged. If your spouse doesn't live up to your expectations, it's quite all right to divorce him or her. Couples are told that God will forgive them — divorce is not an unforgivable sin, after all, is it? Those who think that God meant it when He said that He hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16) are considered legalistic. So many Christians are divorcing these days that some churches have more split marriages than whole ones among their membership.

As you read this please keep in mind that I'm addressing Christians, not people who do not belong to Jesus Christ. Christians are people who call themselves by the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, because they have been saved from eternal punishment by faith in the Son of God who died for their sins. They are told in the Bible that no temptation is so strong that they have no choice but to give in to it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Surely this applies to the temptation to divorce one's spouse as much as to any other temptation.

In this article I am writing about Christians who choose to divorce (or somehow to force their spouse to divorce them!). I am not speaking about those who don't want to divorce but whose spouse is divorcing them.

Christians are supposed to be recognizable because of their love for each other and for others: Jesus tells us, "By this will all men know that you are my disciples: if you have love for one another." (John 13:35) and "But love your enemies, and do good,..." (Luke 6:35) and "This is my commandment, that you love one another, as I have loved you..." (John 15:12). The apostle John reminds us that "he that loves not knows not God, for God is love" (1 John 4:8).

Before we go any further, we must be sure to understand what is meant by that word, "love" as used in the verses mentioned above. God hasn't left us without a definition of the word which describes His character and His expectations of His children. He tells us what He means by "love" in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: "Love is patient and kind. It doesn't envy others and it never boasts. Love isn't proud and it isn't rude. It doesn't get angry easily and it isn't selfish. Love never holds against others any wrong done to it. It mourns when evil is done, but it rejoices when truth prevails. Love always protects and always trusts. It never loses hope and never gives up. Love never ends."

It's rather a tall order, isn't it? But Love Himself commands us to love that way—and He has given us His Spirit to enable us to obey.

When a man and a woman stand (or kneel) before God and their family and friends and other witnesses and tell each other that they will love each other for the rest of their lives, are they simply mouthing meaningless words? When, after the ceremony and the reception are over, they confirm their words by coming together physically, are they in earnest, or just going through the motions? Remember that I am talking about Christians.

Notice that I used the verb "tell" and not "promise" or "vow". Christians are expected by their Lord to be people of their word, who always speak the truth and whose word can be trusted. Jesus said, "But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay; for whatsoever is more than these [e.g., oaths; see vs. 33-36] cometh of evil." (Matthew 5:37, echoed in James 5:12) A Christian's statement of intention should be the same as a promise.

When a man tells a woman that he will love her for better or for worse (i.e., no matter what life brings), what is he saying to her? That he will love her only if she does her part and loves him back? That he will love her only if she is never physically sick or mentally ill? That he will love her only if she behaves herself? Or is he telling her that he will love her no matter what? One can ask the same questions of a woman who makes such a promise—because it is a promise—to her bridegroom. Is she saying that she intends to love him no matter what, or isn't she? I hope we all know what the answers to these questions should be, and usually are.

So, then, why are Christians divorcing? "Well," people will say, "because marriage has become unbearable for them for some reason, be it physical abuse, psychological abuse, unfaithfulness, chronic illness (or even that catch-all, 'incompatibility')." "Divorce is not the unforgivable sin, after all," they say, "God understands."

But didn't Jesus—that is, God—tell us that God allowed divorce in the Law of Moses because people's hearts are hard (that is, like stone; see Mark 10:5)? Does that mean that a person who divorces their spouse is announcing to the world and to God that their heart is hard?

Sometimes divorce is excused on the grounds that the couple were too young when they got married and didn't know what they were getting into. There is a fallacy here. Unless they are divorcing the day after they got married, I assume they've become older. Are they older but no wiser, then? Are they still not old enough to decide that they can, by the grace of God and in His strength, make their marriage work—that they can, in God's strength, love each other?

Some marriage counsellors (even Christian ones) go as far as to tell a spouse with a grievance that they married "the wrong person"! So who is the "right" person? If Christians are supposed to love their enemies, surely they are expected to love the person they are joined to by God? How can the person one is married to be the "wrong" person, if God has done the joining?

One of the most incredible reasons for divorce I've ever heard (and it was from a Christian) was that husband and wife were simply "incompatible". The same person informed me that now they were divorced, ex-husband and ex-wife were the best of friends! I was assured that divorce had been the right thing for them, and God had forgiven them. I have to admit that I didn't follow their "logic". If divorce was right for them, what did God have to forgive? If they are best of friends now, why couldn't they be best of friends when they were married? Surely there is self-deception going on here!

When a woman tells her husband that she's divorcing him, what is she actually telling him, apart from informing him that she's leaving him permanently? Stop and consider this question a moment, in the light of the original marriage vows and of the meaning of that word, "love". Remember, too, that the same answer applies in the case of a man who divorces his wife.

Firstly, she's telling him that her word is not to be trusted. Her word changes with circumstances. On their wedding day she had said she would love him always, no matter how things turned out (ie, for better or for worse). However, she has now changed her mind—surely he hadn't been expecting that she would always feel that way, had he? This is the message that is getting across, whether her original intentions were such or not!

The second thing she's telling him is that she's given up on him. As far as she's concerned, there is no hope of his ever changing. If he has been abusive, that is what she expects him to be for the rest of his life. If he's chronically ill or has become disabled in any way, he's a burden to her and no longer worthy of her love (and there is no hope of improvement, or even of healing by God). If there is another man on the scene, then her husband cannot compare with him. If her husband is not a Christian, she's telling him that God has no intention of saving him.

Thirdly, she's telling him that she hates him and wishes he were dead. She may not actually think this, but this is the message she's giving him, especially if she sets out to make the divorce as unpleasant as possible for him (and this happens so often that it only underlines the hatred).

In the fourth place, she's telling him that she has no intention of forgiving him, ever. She has judged him and condemned him. He's in the wrong, and he'll remain there. Considering what Jesus tells us about forgiveness, that "if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:15; see also Luke 11:4 and Matthew 18:21-35), one can't help wondering how she can expect God to forgive her for deliberately refusing to forgive her husband.

Please note that divorce is what I'm talking about here, not separation. There is a place for separation, for spouses living apart for a while but with the intention of sorting out their problems and getting back together, or to protect children from an abusive spouse, or for respite from caring for a severely disabled spouse. The attitude of heart can be very different. Separation is expected to be temporary, though in some cases it may last for years. In divorce, which is by definition a permanent measure, however, the attitude is ultimately one of self-righteousness and egotism: "I have my own life to live." "I have my rights." "I am not prepared to give up my life or my rights for the sake of this person whom I said I would love." "Since this person refuses to meet my needs I refuse to meet theirs." Remember that I'm talking about Christians who choose to divorce.

I could talk about the consequences of divorce, the effects on the ex-spouses, on their children, on their families and friends, but enough has been written about that by others for most people to be aware that the consequences are almost always negative (despite the apparently positive testimonies in popular magazines). Divorce is messy. It leaves destruction in its wake, especially in the lives of the children of the marriage. God is able to clean up our messes to some extent if we let Him, yes, but it is still we who have made the mess in the first place. We have to face and to live with the consequences.

One consequence that I do want to point out, however, is that every Christian who divorces, no matter what the reason, is encouraging others to take the same step. Sometimes this is direct encouragement — advising someone else to divorce — but more often it is indirect. Others with problems in their marriages will look on and conclude, "If it's all right for them, it must be all right for me."

Remember, too, that divorce can also be in the heart, in the same way as murder or adultery (Matthew 5:21-22, 27-28). Just because one didn't choose to divorce (this applies to couples who remain married, too) does not mean that one hasn't divorced their spouse in your heart. Only a person and God know the true state of that person's heart towards their spouse or ex-spouse, but remember that words and actions can betray the state of one's heart. All we who are married need to examine our hearts and renew our marriage vows each day, in God's strength.

If you choose to obey God and to love as He defines love, God is on your side. It doesn't mean your enemies will stop persecuting you — it means that you won't harm them back; on the contrary, you'll do good to them (Luke 6:27-36). It doesn't mean your spouse will do his or her part — it means you'll be able to do your part: you'll be able to love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) your spouse, for better or for worse.